I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Randomize
