Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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