the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
