I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
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