i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Randomize
