the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Randomize
