i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
Randomize
