you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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