This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I'm like, not good at living.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
