Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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