You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
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