You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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