Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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