well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
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