When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Randomize
