I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Randomize
