god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
