16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
