My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Randomize
