my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
