Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
