It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
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