what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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