Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
