i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
