Just cropdusted the office
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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