I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Randomize
