According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Randomize
