I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
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