if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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