Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
