i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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