I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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