The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
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