So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
