I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
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