i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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