I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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