He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
