why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
Randomize
