To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
im calling her cock vulture from now on
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
Randomize
