I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Randomize
