I think I died a long time ago.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
my being single is dangerous.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Randomize
