I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
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