im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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