ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
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