im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Everyone says I win the strip club
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
