Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Randomize
