just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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