If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
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