my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
