he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Randomize
